Monday, June 27, 2011 - Thoughts and stuff...... :

Sometimes, I think that I am all alone in this world. I hear people talking about their best friends. About how they had fun. I read about them. What people don't know is that whenever I hear something like that, I am filled with envy. Not jealousy, but envy. I would wish that i have a friend like this. Someone who i could tell everything under the world to. People who read this might tell me that, Hey, you have me. But before you do that, let me tell you that nobody, literally nobody has ever waited for me to go for recess. I see Xinler and Jiayi wait for Rochelle when she has something to ask the teacher and vice versa. They are willing to sacrifice 15 minutes of their very short 30 minutes recess just so that they can go to recess together. That, has never happened to me. I can answer a few questions, stay back for just 5 minutes, and all of them are gone. Phoebe and Xinyi just rush off immediately once the teacher dismisses us. Karen and Elena wait for each other to go to recess, but they don't wait for me. All this little actions like waiting for me after class for recess, makes me feel wanted, but it never happens. It has happened since primary school. And I have always told myself, I need to be fast, or I'll be alone. During recess, I can go off to buy a drink, or something to eat, and my so-called "friends" can disappear when I come back. I am not one who likes to be alone. Although I don't really  mind, but the feeling of being ditched, is never good. My supposedly clique: Phoebe, Karen, Elena, Olivia. And yet Phoebe goes with Xinyi, Karen and Elena are one group and Olivia has been drifting away, to Laural, to Cheryl. I have never felt more alone. In primary school, I have had a bad experience with friendship. In Dunman High, I told myself that I wanna get someone to talk to, someone to be my so-called best friend, even if it's just one friend. It doesn't matter. Yet, I am facing the same problem. Everyone knows that my clique has these few people. Everyone thinks that they are my closest friends in class. Yet, I find myself talking to Elaine, to Emily, and probably to Xiying and Jaynell. To these people, I can talk about stuff that I don't talk to my classmates about. I can tell them who I am unhappy with, why I am unhappy. With my clique, we talk about a lot of stuff, but it can't get too deep. Once the conversation goes deeper into the heart, it gets awkward. If you know what I mean. Outside class, I talk to Shihui, and probably Joey. The thing is, to these people, I might just be a classmate, a normal friend. They probably don't know that they are so high up on my list of friends. They probably don't know that these are the people I would choose to talk to when I'm facing problems, stress, or just wanna rant to somebody. I feel as if i have 2 groups of friends. Friends whom I talk to about daily stuff, and friends whom I tell what I really feel. I really wish I can merge these 2 groups of people. It gets stressful overtime. Today, I finally told my bad experience in primary school to someone. Someone else other than myself finally knows. It feels good. I would tell anyone who asks. Because they care enough to ask. But no one does. It gets depressing. Sometimes, I have hide my true feelings. I don't like to bare my heart and soul to everyone. I mean, everyone keeps their own secrets. When I am unhappy, I don't have the moral courage to tell the person. I'll laugh off my discomfort or just act like I don't care. That is my flaw. Another thing is, I give in to peer pressure. I tell others not to, yet I can't do it myself. I created twitter because of peer pressure. I created a blog because of peer pressure. Facebook was not, but a lot is due to peer pressure. I hate myself, my ways and everything. I hate the fact that I am overweight. I am very very very sensitive about my weight. I don't like to talk about weight, Any comment about my size and I feel a pang in my heart. Yet I laugh it off. Like I always too. I am now contemplating whether I should publish this. Too many names are mentioned. Too many secrets are put here. I am almost positive that no one reads my blog, but Phoebe might just feel bored one day, well, you never know. So.... ):

About jap, I hate it. Literally. To people like Rochelle who keeps telling me that she hates jap, but yet she still studies for every test and quiz. Yet she still does her homework diligently. I really hate studying for jap. I totally lost interest in it. I don't have the mood to carry on. I don't have to mood to study for the test and do my homework. Its getting tougher and tougher. I practically hate every tuesday. I used to be excited when I could read even just a little of jap. But now, not anymore. I used to think that it would be a waste to just quit now, but not anymore. To quit is just to fill in a piece of paper and ask my parents to sign, and to come up with some stupid reason. What is keeping my from quitting: my conscience. When i quit, Xiying would be alone. She wouldn't have a table partner. She would have to endure the hardship herself. My parents expectations. They are expecting me to continue. all the way to year 4. I am already crying just typing all these out. I really really really hate the subject. I hate failing. I hate not doing well. Yet, I can;t seem to bring myself to study for it. I have no motivation anymore. It used to be my friends. They were keeping me from quitting. Now, in my jap class, from the people I know, Shihui quit. Vanessa quit. Peiyi quit. Karen quit. Kester quit. Whenever I see how carefree they are after quitting, I really really really hate jap. Don't laugh at me about still going for jap. I might just lash out or cry in front of you. That is how much I hate the subject.There's jap tomorrow. CA4 in july. I want my good grades, enough sleep and social life. Why in the would should I give up my sleep or social life just fore good grades? Sleep was supposed to be a right, not a privilege. Isn't a social life what every teenager should experience? Why in the world are you forcing me to choose?

Secondary school is stress. I'd rather experience PSLE over and over again, than being promoted to sec one and two.

Okay, whatever. I'm gonna publish this.

My sincere apologies to anyone I've offended.

Labels: rHONDA

Rhonda=) blogged at 3:29 AM