Monday, June 27, 2011
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Thoughts and stuff......
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Sometimes, I think that I am all alone in this world. I hear people talking about their best friends. About how they had fun. I read about them. What people don't know is that whenever I hear something like that, I am filled with envy. Not jealousy, but envy. I would wish that i have a friend like this. Someone who i could tell everything under the world to. People who read this might tell me that, Hey, you have me. But before you do that, let me tell you that nobody, literally nobody has ever waited for me to go for recess. I see Xinler and Jiayi wait for Rochelle when she has something to ask the teacher and vice versa. They are willing to sacrifice 15 minutes of their very short 30 minutes recess just so that they can go to recess together. That, has never happened to me. I can answer a few questions, stay back for just 5 minutes, and all of them are gone. Phoebe and Xinyi just rush off immediately once the teacher dismisses us. Karen and Elena wait for each other to go to recess, but they don't wait for me. All this little actions like waiting for me after class for recess, makes me feel wanted, but it never happens. It has happened since primary school. And I have always told myself, I need to be fast, or I'll be alone. During recess, I can go off to buy a drink, or something to eat, and my so-called "friends" can disappear when I come back. I am not one who likes to be alone. Although I don't really mind, but the feeling of being ditched, is never good. My supposedly clique: Phoebe, Karen, Elena, Olivia. And yet Phoebe goes with Xinyi, Karen and Elena are one group and Olivia has been drifting away, to Laural, to Cheryl. I have never felt more alone. In primary school, I have had a bad experience with friendship. In Dunman High, I told myself that I wanna get someone to talk to, someone to be my so-called best friend, even if it's just one friend. It doesn't matter. Yet, I am facing the same problem. Everyone knows that my clique has these few people. Everyone thinks that they are my closest friends in class. Yet, I find myself talking to Elaine, to Emily, and probably to Xiying and Jaynell. To these people, I can talk about stuff that I don't talk to my classmates about. I can tell them who I am unhappy with, why I am unhappy. With my clique, we talk about a lot of stuff, but it can't get too deep. Once the conversation goes deeper into the heart, it gets awkward. If you know what I mean. Outside class, I talk to Shihui, and probably Joey. The thing is, to these people, I might just be a classmate, a normal friend. They probably don't know that they are so high up on my list of friends. They probably don't know that these are the people I would choose to talk to when I'm facing problems, stress, or just wanna rant to somebody. I feel as if i have 2 groups of friends. Friends whom I talk to about daily stuff, and friends whom I tell what I really feel. I really wish I can merge these 2 groups of people. It gets stressful overtime. Today, I finally told my bad experience in primary school to someone. Someone else other than myself finally knows. It feels good. I would tell anyone who asks. Because they care enough to ask. But no one does. It gets depressing. Sometimes, I have hide my true feelings. I don't like to bare my heart and soul to everyone. I mean, everyone keeps their own secrets. When I am unhappy, I don't have the moral courage to tell the person. I'll laugh off my discomfort or just act like I don't care. That is my flaw. Another thing is, I give in to peer pressure. I tell others not to, yet I can't do it myself. I created twitter because of peer pressure. I created a blog because of peer pressure. Facebook was not, but a lot is due to peer pressure. I hate myself, my ways and everything. I hate the fact that I am overweight. I am very very very sensitive about my weight. I don't like to talk about weight, Any comment about my size and I feel a pang in my heart. Yet I laugh it off. Like I always too. I am now contemplating whether I should publish this. Too many names are mentioned. Too many secrets are put here. I am almost positive that no one reads my blog, but Phoebe might just feel bored one day, well, you never know. So.... ):
About jap, I hate it. Literally. To people like Rochelle who keeps telling me that she hates jap, but yet she still studies for every test and quiz. Yet she still does her homework diligently. I really hate studying for jap. I totally lost interest in it. I don't have the mood to carry on. I don't have to mood to study for the test and do my homework. Its getting tougher and tougher. I practically hate every tuesday. I used to be excited when I could read even just a little of jap. But now, not anymore. I used to think that it would be a waste to just quit now, but not anymore. To quit is just to fill in a piece of paper and ask my parents to sign, and to come up with some stupid reason. What is keeping my from quitting: my conscience. When i quit, Xiying would be alone. She wouldn't have a table partner. She would have to endure the hardship herself. My parents expectations. They are expecting me to continue. all the way to year 4. I am already crying just typing all these out. I really really really hate the subject. I hate failing. I hate not doing well. Yet, I can;t seem to bring myself to study for it. I have no motivation anymore. It used to be my friends. They were keeping me from quitting. Now, in my jap class, from the people I know, Shihui quit. Vanessa quit. Peiyi quit. Karen quit. Kester quit. Whenever I see how carefree they are after quitting, I really really really hate jap. Don't laugh at me about still going for jap. I might just lash out or cry in front of you. That is how much I hate the subject.There's jap tomorrow. CA4 in july. I want my good grades, enough sleep and social life. Why in the would should I give up my sleep or social life just fore good grades? Sleep was supposed to be a right, not a privilege. Isn't a social life what every teenager should experience? Why in the world are you forcing me to choose?
Secondary school is stress. I'd rather experience PSLE over and over again, than being promoted to sec one and two.
Okay, whatever. I'm gonna publish this.
My sincere apologies to anyone I've offended.
Labels: rHONDA
Rhonda=) blogged at 3:29 AM
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
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Learning Japanese
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Perhaps you have heard me complain how I dislike learning a third language, how I dread going to the MOELC every week. Perhaps you feel sorry for me, or perhaps you are wondering why I don’t quit. While you know the evil side of learning Japanese, I thought I should tell you guys how learning Japanese strengthened me.
Every week, especially Monday night, I wonder why I’m still learning the language, why I don’t just get it over and done with. Every time I look at the withdrawal form, my heart is very tempted to take one and fill it in. I want to, believe me. As the weeks go by, the stress increases. With the extra subject, the heavy workload is bringing me closer to hell. You will say, “Just quit lah!” But it’s not that easy. Why?
Every time I think of quitting, I think of Xiying. Now, before you ask, I’ll tell you why. Before Shihui or even Vanessa Leo quit, there were 4 of us. Now 2 of them are gone, it’s left with me and Xiying. If even I quit, Xiying would be left alone. You might say, “She can quit too!”, but her father does not allow her to quit. That, my dear friends, is reason number 1.
Number 2. Isn’t it a waste to just quit learning after you have survived for so long? The longer I stay in Japanese class, the harder it is to leave. I would think back to all the times I have made it through when I thought it was too much, and I end up telling myself, “I’ve done it before, I can do it more.”
If you asked everyone who complains about going to the MOELC every week but still do, they’d probably tell you the same thing. Also, learning Japanese is a huge test of my not-so-good discipline. The time we have to learn the new language is only 3 hours a week, it would be a great disadvantage to us if we are not clear about what is learnt in the previous lesson, as the new grammar and vocabulary would confuse us. This means a lot of self studying at home and utmost attention to the teacher during class if we want to score well for the language.
Just because of this reason, getting an A for the subject, like I did last year, gives me a huge sense of satisfaction. The best reward ever.
Japanese, as mundane as it might be, has its advantages. :D
I thought i would add some humor and make the post more interesting. :D
Rhonda=) blogged at 7:47 AM
Friday, March 18, 2011
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Conflicts
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Note: This post is all my personal thoughts, nobody will be named, only lettered.
Have you ever found out your friend has 2 different faces, where the person is totally nice to you, then becomes another person towards another friend, mainly mean? If you did, what did you do? I seriously need advice, 'cos this is where i am now.
Recently I found out that there's this person, Person A we shall call it (so as not to reveal gender ), it has been being very mean to this friend (Person B), yet it my presence, she becomes all smiles and very nice.
To some people it can mean nothing, but to me, i suddenly feel disgusted even sitting at the same table as Person A. It seems as if it is wearing a mask that nobody can see through, yet in front of another person, or should i say its closest friends, she tears away its mask, and bullies them. You may thing its normal to tear away your mask in front of your closest friends, but you do that to be yourself, not bully your friends! So by bullying its friends, it means that that is her real face, and that face is mean.
After this piece of knowledge, I suddenly feel that I cannot sit at the same table as Person A and feel the same way towards it. Suddenly i feel as if i want nothing to do with it, and run as far as possible. I'd rather it scream and shout towards me, be mean towards me, such that i can not be friends with it, rather than being nice to it, knowing the face behind it.
Honestly speaking, I feel scared. I cannot rip that mask away, and i cannot suddenly ignore Person A. It means that i cannot do anything to help Person B. Perhaps you think Person B shouldn't let Person A climb over its head, but you can't blame a person for being too nice, right?
This makes me feel bad, very bad. I can only watch Person B complain, and I can only comfort her, but I can do nothing to make the situation better.
Here, I come to my title, Conflicts.
What I really want to is to rip that mask away.
What I really want to it to confront Person A.
But I can't.
Why? Because A is my friend.
What I really want is to help Person B.
What I really want is to make it better for you and me.
But I can't.
Why? Because A is my friend.
I really want to forget.
I really want to ignore.
But I can't do anything.
All I can do is to submerge myself in conflicts.
This is a short poem that I came up in 5 minutes. That's why it sucks, but it contains all my thoughts and emotions about this event. I hope this will be over, and someday I will forget, I wish i could ignore the sufferings of Person B. But when?
Rhonda=) blogged at 6:11 PM
Monday, March 14, 2011
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Flag Day
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Hey Everyone.
Yesterday, with Elaine and Laural, I went for flag day for community involvement program. While my main aim was to earn CIP points, the flag day was a very meaningful day for me.
Standing with with my metal tin with a picture of a monkey taped it, i wasn't really looking forward to the next 3 hours. At the start, standing outside Tampines MRT station, alone, it really felt lonely, low confidence. I started with,"Good Afternoon, would you like to...." the word "donate" hadn't even come out of my mouth, I already faltered, because the first person I asked had ignored me. I took a deep breath, gathering the remaining of my confidence and continued. As my confidence level dropped further after the next few times, something made me smile - not the smile to humor the people, but a real smile coming from my insides, making me feel all warm and nice: I had my first coin. I never realised that a small coin could make me feel so happy, also, never would I have thought that a rejection would make me feel so dejected.
As I stood outside the MRT station for the next hour, my tin had gotten considerably heavier. This brought me delight. In that hour, I realised that a simple smile, whether its a smile for rejection or a smile saying "you;re welcome" to my thanks, would bring me such happiness. A cheerful child coming gleefully forward with a coin in his hand would make my day. Amazing isn't it? In the 1st hour, I stayed in the same place. Moving into the 2nd hour, i realised that the same crowd of people were moving towards me, and i decided, I needed to change my location. As I moved to the entrance of Tamp 1, i reunited with my friends. We complained about the hunger(Elaine) and the tiredness, and we moved on.
Outside Tamp 1, I realised, was a lot easier. Without the huge crowd rushing towards you, giving you a momments of dilemma, you feel a lot more confident. With the newly increased confidence level, everything was easier. Moving around, I met a lot of interesting people. A lady went to all of us, saying in mandarin, “giving to a Dunmanian is a must”. This simple sentence brought me joy. There was also a European lady who gave me $50. I mean, wow! That was the greatest amount I received that day. It really brought a smile to my face.
While the Flag Day is tiring, I must admit it is a great experience for me. Yesterday was the day I realised that a simple rejection could make feel like all my confidence rushed out of me. However, it was also the day I realised that a simple coin could make my day; the day I realised that a simple smile could make me feel all warmed up inside.
Labels: rHONDA
Rhonda=) blogged at 3:11 AM
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
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Birthdays 2
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After finding out everyone's birthday, I compiled them. :D Enjoy. On and btw, if missed anyone out, pls tell me. :D
Rhonda=) blogged at 3:05 AM
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Birthday
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Hey guys, here i am again. :D
My birthday was yesterday, and i could easily say that its my worst birthday ever. Not worst day, definitely not worst day, just worst birthday. Why? Because it just had to fall on the most boring day on my timetable. I'm not complaining that it is a school day - it's always a school day, but it just had to fall on a day where I had Higher Chinese, History, Maths and 3rd Language. Sad right? That's not all. On that day, because it was an "auspicious" day for business, my father, due to the fact that he ad to be in the office by 6, couldn't drive me to school. Therefore, I had to go to school on my own, resulting in me waking up a lot earlier than usual. Bad enough? No. Because of Chinese New Year, I had totally forgotten about my Japanese, thus, of course, not doing my homework. Because of this, I had to work all the way until 12am before I can climb onto my warm and comfortable bed.
Therefore, summarizing that day (sorry about the rant), I slept at 12, woke at 5 (5 hrs of sleep), miraculously not sleeping in class on the most boring day on my timetable. There you go - the worst birthday ever.
Haha... Oh and please remember my birthday! 8/2 very easy. :D I would say I'm quite good at remembering birthdays. Let me list them out. This is my first attempt, no cheating. (I swore upon River Styx, and made the unbreakable vow. :D) So pardon me if I listed wrongly. :P dates in [ ] are edited. :D
Annabel: 3/12
Cheryl: 22/7
Elena: 4/1
Clara: ?/8 (oops, SORRY CLARA!!!) [12/8]
Emily: 21/4
Xinyi: 6/2
Shanel: 2/3
Hoong Yan: 13/2
Karen: 2/5
Laural: 27/6
Elaine: 21/10
Claire: 22/3
Rochelle: 9/5
Crystal: ?/? (oops, SORRY CRYSTAL!!!) [24/10]
Xin Ler: 2/3
Olivia: 26/9
Phoebe: 12/4
Jaynell: 3/12
Jia Yi: 29/4
Charlotte: ?/?(omg, SORRY CHARLOTTE) [4/12]
Amelia: 21/10
Jia Jun: 21/10
Xiying: 5/5
Chian Hao: 22/2
Bryan: 8/1
YiFeng: 9/2 Today!! LOL
Frank: 18/1
Jin Qi: 21/4
Churn Hian : ?/? (oopsie!) [16/11]
Melvin: 3/8 ???
Zhen Hao: 3/2
Shawn: 11/9 September Eleven. LOL
Kester: ?/? (omg) [24/12]
Hong Kai ?/? (oops?) [14/9]
Guan Zhou: I have no idea... [15/6]
Ok, maybe this is not what i would call good, but.....er.... above average? Haha. Wait, I'm not finished.
Anabelle: 23/5
Belinda: ?/? (SORRY) [26/2]
Bernice: 15/2
Kai Ling: 8/9
Hui Qing: 2/6
Melissa: ?/? (OMG, I'm supposed to know this!!! ) [24/6]
Khai: 30/1
Hui Jie: ?/? (Oops :/) [10/4]
Gwendolyn: 13/6
Celia: 6/7
Cheryl: 6/7 Amazing: Cheryl Low and Cheryl Lau have their birthdays on the same month.
Ze Hui: 13/5
Pei Min: 2/10 ???
Rachel: ?/? !@#$% I'm getting OLD [5/5]
Sherra: ?/? !@#$%^&* [16/10]
Jia Yi: 9/10
Xiao Xuan: 26/7
Shu Yi: 2/4
Yuxuan: 10/10
Aleem: ?/? Here comes the boys from my P6 class - I really have no idea when their b'days are. OMG [26/5]
Aloysius: ?/? [14/10]
Benjamin: ?/? [5/2] Oh dammit. His birthday was a few days ago.
Camillius: ?/? [No sources found]
Johnny: ?/? [10/11]
Darren: ?/? [11/6]
Douglas: ?/? [21/7]
John: ?/? [11/4]
Jin Jia: ?/? [15/5]
Keith: ?/? [13/11]
Lai Wei: 7/8 Hey, I actually know this!
Nicholas: ?/? [3/10]
Zhi Han: ?/? [no sources found]
Wei Jie: ?/? [20/5]
Luthfi: ?/? [no sources found]
Sean: ?/? [27/5]
Ivan: ?/? [14/6]
[Ruben: 16/12] Oopsie, forgot him. HAHA.
Shaoye: 29/1 I know this too!
Yi Heng: ?/? [3/12]
Jet: ?/? [no sources found]
Bo Shen: ?/? [7/6]
Oh sh!t. This is fail. And i think i forgot one guys from my P6 class. There's one more right? Yes, I know I'm fail... @#$%^&*()
Oh well, This is a long post. and i realised i don;'t really know alot of ppl's birthday. I'm too lazy to continue, so... cya. :D
Labels: rHONDA
Rhonda=) blogged at 2:16 AM
Sunday, January 30, 2011
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Hello
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Hey Guys,
I saw this post on dearblankpleaseblank.com , and I saw this post that i absolutely agree on. (:
Dear Stephanie Meyer,
Please note that when the love of Hermione's life left her, she continued to search for the keys to destroying the world's most powerful dark wizard. When the love of Bella's life left her, she curled up in the fetal position, went numb for months then jumped off a cliff.
Sincerely, J. K. Rowling.
Here's another one. (:
Dear Twilight fans,
Let's do some math! Harry Potter > Voldemort. Voldemort > Cedric Diggory. Cedric Diggory = Edward Cullen. Therefore, Harry Potter > Edward Cullen.
Sincerely, suck on that.
Seeya guys soon. (:
Labels: rHONDA
Rhonda=) blogged at 1:33 AM
